We Can’t Seem to Get Along: How to approach conflict with your adolescent

By Ana Becerra, Psy.D., Integrative Psychological Consultants

Parent-adolescent conflict tends to increase during the teen years.  During this time, adolescents are striving to become more independent.  Parents may resist this change by not granting them the autonomy they desire.  Adolescents may defy rules or stretch boundaries. The transactions between parental control and adolescent rebellion can create feelings of resentment, frustration, or helplessness in the parent-adolescent dyad. Effective conflict resolution strategies are imperative to repair the situation and improve the quality of the relationship.  Here are some strategies you can use:

Have an open conversation. Oftentimes, conflict is not resolved because neither party knows what the source of the problem was or does not see the other’s point of view clearly. Encourage your adolescent to express his/her feelings. Invite them to tell you exactly why they are upset and listen when they say. This can allow you to understand the conflict that occurred from their perspective. It can also increase the quality of your relationship with your son/daughter. Validate what you have heard them say and then openly express yourself.

Keep an open mind. Be willing to change. As your adolescent is maturing and seeking more independence, perhaps adjusting your expectation of their roles and responsibilities is needed. 

Set reasonable expectations.  Conflicts often occur because adolescents are trying to assert their autonomy.  Talk with them about an appropriate timeline for when they can acquire certain privileges (i.e., curfew can be at midnight when you turn 18) and concerns that led to the limitations.

Compromise. Get rid of the power struggle that may occur during conflict by discussing a solution that both you and your adolescent agree on. Look for ways that you can both meet your objectives at least partially.

Model effective emotion regulation. Oftentimes when we are upset we tend to react by saying hurtful things or by withdrawing. Teaching your adolescent to tolerate their discomfort by managing your own emotions in the moment can be an invaluable experience.  Remember to be calm and resist the urge to react (i.e., say something hurtful or withdraw).  This can allow you to listen to your adolescent, keep an open mind, and problem-solve effectively.  It can also decrease the amount of tension you experience with your son/daughter.  Remember, when one person remains calm, it is very difficult for the other one to continue being reactive.